May 26, 2006 - 2:10 a.m.

Oh Stacy Stacy, you didn't tell me that you've been feeling sad lately. I'm sorry. Don't be sad.
You know what you need to do when you feel that way? When you're sitting there, feeling doubtful and lonely and tired and lost and having bad thoughts about food and weight ( etc etc etc ) Stop yourself and say, "Alicia loves me." Okay? Will you do that for me please? E-Mail me or call me and promise me that.
God I miss the days when I could lay in bed and think about how fat I was/am. Sometimes I miss it so much. But now it's just little thoughts scattered throughout the day. "God I'm getting fat... Gavin needs his diaper changed!"
You know what's weird lately? I've just realized that I am afraid of God. Not really of God himself, of believing in him. Why would I be so afraid of that? I don't know why... but I think about religion and about believing in God and I get this feeling to shut down my thoughts or switch them to something else, like I'm doing something wrong, or messing with something that I shouldn't be messing with. I don't understand. I think that maybe it's because Rob has such a negative opinion of God and religion, and I love and admire him so much that I feel like believing in God is bad. I don't know. How much do you believe in God Stacy?
Well, I've stayed up way too late now. I hope you're feeling better, and please don't forget to do that for me, okay? I love you so much, remember that you're precious.
Goodnight...
-Alicia

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