May 26, 2006 - 6:46 a.m.

Dear Diary,
*hugs* Alicia, some day's you seem to be the magic pick me up's of all pick me up's. You know just what to do to make thinks OK and know how to put a smile on my face when I need it the most. Not many people know how to do it. To be honest, I think that you and Greg are really the only two who know how. Actaully, maybe even my dad and I can say that in one point in my life, even my brother. But my brother and I have kind of grown and lost that touch even though we still talk and help each other out sometimes. My dad...well, he will always be there for me. He and I get along like peanut butter and jelly. They just go together! No one denise that. :D And with you and Greg, it's somewhat a tie because you guys know me best and know what to do when no one else does and that kind of connection is a much deeper one. Like heart and soul. Something that is in the base of us. Something that cures all and makes everything ok. Thank you both! Words cannot explain how I feel for you both and how much you both do for me.
OK, I have exactly ten minutes now and I am actually in a really big writing mood. I have a lot on my mind this morning. Just about the weather and the way I slept and the way I am feeling about the way I slept and Alicia's message on here to me about God and my feelings towards that and tomorrow I guess. Well, to start with hun, my feelings towards God...where to begin? When I was younger, I was always forced to go to Church and my parents would get me up, get me all dresses, drive me there and leave me there telling me to call them when I was finished and they would either come and pick me up or I would have to walk home afterwards by myself. This always scared me and although I had a somewhat OK time there, I always felt abandoned in some way and afraid of the people I was around because to me they were like strangers. Then when I was like twn or so, I stopped going and didn't return until I think it was two years ago when I met Greg. Greg and his family go to Church and feel very connected to God. I was scared once again because of everything that had happend in the past when I was a child. I should also mention here though that the entire time that I wasn't actually going to church I still prayed at night to him and still had strong feelings for that higher power type of thing. When Chelsea (our oldest cat) ran away I prayed day and night for him to bring her back to me and he did. I think I knew then that he helped me. Anyways, Greg and I started going to Church and at first I was really timid and awkward about the whole thing. As the weeks went by though I actually started to feel more comfortable and OK with going. Greg knows though that I have an intense fear of being along. I can't go to Church as some people so easy do and sit there alone. I need to be with someone. I need someone there by my side and just being there with me. But in reality, and just in life, I really don't like to be alone. I hate the feeling of walking into a store by myself or into the mall or whatever it may be. The feeling overwhelmes me and I have a mini panic attack inside of my brain and body. I have always seen this as starting with my eating disorder. It's like you push everyone and everything out of your body because they are dangerous to your health when you have an eating disorder.
Shit, I have to go. My time is up and I have to go to work. I'll finish this entry when I get home. Love you guys so much and thanks again for writing Alicia.
*love always stacy*

previous - next