February 16, 2006 - 7:26 p.m.

Dear Diary,
Tension may be a bit high today among just about everyone and everything you encounter, Stacy. On one hand, there will be a strong feeling of a need for stability and discipline, while another camp may be calling for fun and carefree frivolity. You may find yourself caught in the middle, and the worst thing is that no side, including your own, is going to want to make compromises. Try not to take things too seriously.
Alight so I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I left Greg's tonight in "one of my moods". I feel absolutely misserable. My mood changes so rapidly now like on the click of a dime and I just don't get it. I don't understand why or what is triggering this. I'm somewhat afraid to talk to Greg about this too because I don't want him to worry or get mad or anything although I know that he probably wouldn't. On the other hand though, I don't want him to continuosly say things like "Alight angry" or "Hi angry bear" or whatever. I feel like my mood is a ticking time bomb and flicks on and off all the time now. It's so sudden, I never know when to expect it. Tonight I asked Greg if I was staying at his place for dinner or the night or what was happening so I knew what to expect and so otherwise I could make other arrangements. He said that he wanted to have dinner alone tonight so he didn't have to cook for anyone or anything and that I should go home for dinner...that we would see each other tomorrow. Well, that's all it took! My goodness, it's not like it's the end of the world or that I'm never going to see him again. For crying out loud! I just don't get this anymore. I feel so misserable some days. Anyways, after Greg said that I waited around for hours for him to say that he wanted me to stay for dinner and stay the night. He didn't. By 6:10pm I was sitting on the chair watching the news with him and he perked up and said "When do you need to be home for dinner?" I simply told him that there was no set time for me to be home since I wasn't planning on eating with anyone tonight. I said, "But I'll get going here soon in a few minutes" He said "no, that's not what I meant" but I got ready to leave a few minutes later. By the time I had my shoes on and went to say good-bye he asked where I was going and I said home. He asked why and I said because you wanted to have dinner alone and asked me to go home for dinner. He said it was fine and I could stay, which is really what I had wanted him to say all along and yet I ended up leaving and cried part way as I walked home. The thing that is really upsetting me now is the fact that Mike is still there playing games with him. Sometimes I really hate computer games. I hate how sometimes I feel like they are more important that I am and that I come second although I know that is completely untrue. The fact is that Greg and MIKE are sitting there playing games and having fun together and such when I'm sitting here alone in a misserable mood and Greg said in the first place that he wanted to be alone tonight and so on. This is what has put me in this mood and I hate it. To make matters worse, when I got home I came up to my room, put loud music on to get my anger out and started crying. I picked up my laptop, plugged it in and looked at websites for a little while and SI and depression. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT??? Things need to change within me. I wonder sometimes how I might be starting university in a matter of months to try and get my phD in psychology and yet I can't even control myself and what is happening to me! Is this normal? I feel so bitter right now. Bitter and angry. I have tons of homework that I could easily be working on right now to save me the hassle of doing it this weekend, however I can't be bothered. I'm too bothered over this situation and my mood to care or attempt anything at this point. The bedroom is a complete mess where you can barely walk throughout it and yet, it remains that way for now until I can actually get enough strength in me to clean it up without breaking down and throwing something across the room to watch it break. *Sigh* I just feel like curling up into a ball in bed right now and saying fuck off to the world.
*love always stacy*

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