March 23, 2004 - 3:29 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Your extrasensory abilities are heightened today, Stacy, giving you insight into yourself and those around you. It is almost a scary experience, as you may feel that you are privy to private information. Take note of what you pick up on today, Stacy. You have unique insight into human relationships. Perhaps you could write an article or illustrate in some way the complexities of social interactions.

I feel so rotten right now. Mom just came home from work and starting fighting with me the minute she came in about not having a job and not making money and not looking hard enough and so on. I'm feeling like shit. "Well how the hell do you plan to pay for college and residance and book and groceries?" Are they not planning to help me out any? I'm worried even more now about OSAP and not getting it. I found out that I do have to include both of my parents income on the form and everyone keeps telling me that more then likely I won't get any help from OSAP because apparently both my parents make too much money. Thats a load of bull shit! Why should my getting a loan from OSAP have anything to do with my parents or the income that they make?! What the fuck! I'm so pissed off now. Mainly at my mom. I'm so worried and scared. I keep thinking, "why even bother going off to school now if its causing all this stress and problems?" I feel like everything is all my fault and I should even bother with anything anymore. Why bother going to school at all? Might as well just go out and work the rest of my life. I really feel like shit. I tried to explain everything to mom and she didn't listen to anything I had to say. At least I thought so. I told her that I just applied for 4 different jobs this weeks from the Job Bank Online. Wasn't good enough for her. Said that I should get getting up everyday and get my ass out the door and go uptown. For fuck sacks...THERE ISN'T ANYTHING UPTOWN! She didn't listen. I also told her that what is available right now that people want someone with cash register experiance or accounting or payroll and so on. She said it was all just an excuse. Its not...I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to apply for scholarships and everything just as soon as I know whether or not I've been accepted. Mom didn't even know that I could online "apparently" although I've been telling here this for half a year. See...she doesn't ever listen to me. Why me? Why does everything always seem to happen to me? I wish there was an easier way about going about all of this although I know that there isn't. My stomach feels all knotted now. Just to please mom though I'll get up tomorrow morning, get ready and ask dad to take me out to make some more coppies of my resume to take around to the places that aren't even hiring. I'm scared and worried though. Like usual. I told her I would put one in at Food Basics even though I really don't want to. At least I'll be doing it just to please her and maybe she'll get off my case some about that. Who knows anymore? Jeez, sometimes I like it much better when she isn't talking to any of us. She stays away from us and keeps to herself. Doesn't bother me by fighting and yelling with me. Hopefully I can get away from here earlier this week as well. Who knows though. I don't want to be a bother with things.

Sitting here listening to The Carenters. Have been all day actually. I'm hoping that it will calm me down soon. I reall hope. I'm so angry I could just punch my hand through the window. I feel like purging again because of all of this. Of course it won't happen but I feel the need and want to. Tonights dinner won't be of much now or anything because of her. Because of all this shit. I just hope that everything works out in the end. I've got the cleaning to do tomorrow now to just in case I do leave for the weekend on Thursday again like last week. I don't know though if Greg wants to or anything else. We'll see. "Rainy days and mondays always get me down" The words of Karen...nothing can get much better then that. *sigh* Depression can really suck sometimes. I think I need all the luck I can get now. My prayers aren't working anymore it seems. Why, I really don't know. Its a mystery all on its own and only the Lord knows...I miss Alicia. I wish I could get a hold of her. In fact, I wish she were here. It would make so many things much much better. I just hope that shes doing ok and that she knows I'm always here for her and love her dearly. Love you sweetie. Hmmm...I just remembered, I don't know whether I'll have the chance to talk with Greg tonight which sucks. He wasn't sure if he was working on his project tonight with his friend as he was supost to yesterday but things got changed and he didn't so tonight may be the night that he is. I guess I'll get my answer when I try to call later on tonight. I'm looking forward to this weekend with him. Dinner and a movie to celebrate our first year together as a couple. Seems weird to say that it'll be a year. A year already. Strange eh? Its nice though and brings a smile to my face. *sigh* Well, on that note, I'm signing out of here. I'll be sure to try and update this dear old diary of mine more often but sometimes its hard. Hope everyone that still reads this is taking care and doing better at this point then what I am. Pray for me and wish me luck with whats about to happen in the next few weeks. Take care everyone!

*love always stacy*

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