March 17, 2004 - 8:17 p.m.

Dear Diary,

This is not a good day to get together with your significant other, Stacy. Your friend could be feeling rather dejected, seeing little hope for just about anything in their life right now. If your beloved sees you or talks to you very much, there's the chance they might decide there's no hope for the relationship either! Keep your contact to a minimum, be upbeat and positive, then get together tomorrow. The bad mood should have passed by then.

Thoughts...so many thoughts rush to mind when I really could do without them. I'm sitting here...feeling rather down and guilty. I ate so much for dinner and all I can think about doing is heading off to the bathroom to weight myself and try and purge although I know it won't happen. Its been on my mind now for at least an hour and is driving me nuts. Why now? Why me? Eating Disorders can be so complicated and confussing at times. It's still so scary for me but I also think of how far I have come. Damn, if I were still at the same point I was 2 years ago, I'm sure I would have been weak and long hospitalized by now. I havn't been able to get rid of anything though...the charts, the "thinsperation" pictures, quotes, work out plans, low cal food plans...the list is endless. Its still there. I nearly picked up and old book that I even read through that stage I was today when I was at the library. "Second Star To The Right" I'm sure you all know it. I know a lot of people who do. Its a good book which I havn't read in likely 2 years since everything kinda came to a halt. I'm sure everything I'm feeling tonight will pass. It happends every now and then. I don't even know why I was thinking about purging. I really don't. I even talked with Mallory about it tonight to see if she was still doing it and she said she still was but very rarely. She's still doing it with ipicac which I completey dispise and which she wouldn't use it as it can kill you the first time you take it and especially in the amounts that she is taking it in. She's also using laxies but not as bad either by the sounds of it. At points it was up to over 60 laxatives a day. *Sits and takes a minute to think about Crystal* I remember hearing so much about ipicac and how it would *help* and going into the grocery store and up to the pharmacist asking if they sold it...thank God they didn't and also that I found out that it really can kill you the very first time you take it, no matter how much or little of it that you end up taking. Scary. See...I have come far. My face feels warm. I'm sure its beat red right now. I know one thing is for sure...nothing else is going into me for the rest of the night. Tomorrow has got to be better. It just has to be. I'm heading down to Greg's place tomorrow. He's coming to pick me up in the morning before he has to be at the college for 12:30. I'll be there until late Sunday night. Things are going to be rough for dad I imagine. There is still no comunication around here between them. Its sad to see. Everyone needs help. What's to happen in the future, who know's. Anyways, I'm off to go and play some games and clean up some. Take care everyone.

*love always stacy*

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