February 17, 2004 - 3:43 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Your actions are likely to be forceful, STACY, and you will find that your energy to achieve a certain goal is high. The only thing stopping you now is a wrenching set of emotional dramas that are making you feel like there are monkeys on your back. As much as you like to be in control and hold tight to certain possessions, today may be a time when you need to let go and offer more freedom to the people you love. This may clear up a lot of the troubles.

I'm reminded again today of just how thankfull and blessed I really am. Its been a great day except for an eppisode with mom where she screamed her head off at me for something that wasn't even my fault and when I tried to explain it just got out of hand and didn't help matters any. If anything, it made things 100 times worse. I think that I'm going to try and sit down with dad tomorrown morning and see if I can just talk with him. Find out whats all going on and express to him some of my thoughts and concerns about how things around this house really truly make me feel horrible and that I'm getting to the point again where I really can't take it and I'm considering moving out. I feel so lost and confused sometimes and no one even realizes it. I finally looked into getting some counselling. I picked up the phone book and went through it the other night when I arrived home just to see what I could find out about who was out there but that is as far as I have got. There was one place though thats just on the next street over (not sure at what end which could pose a problem) but it looks as if it may be a good one that specializes in a lot of things ranging in many different categories. I think I may talk to my doctor first though about it as well. See what he thinks. One thing for sure though is that I'm not going back to the orrigional one. I think that I need to go to someone that I can see on a regular basis and that I can really connect with. By the sounds of it, this place is run by a female. I'll look more into it I guess. Even if I were to just meet with her once and see what it was like. There's no harm in that, is there? You know, I could go and talk with her and see how comfortable I am and whether or not I can open up to her. Who knows though. I realized though that I havn't yet come to terms with my mom and with our past with certain things that happend. I am still occasionally experiancing panic attacks over her which feels so awkward. It scares me because it makes me think of a time in my life where I was litteraly considreing taking my own life, all because of her and of the things I was doing to get to that point. I hope I never go back to that. I don't think I will. Its been years now. As far as the eating issues are going though, they are still there. I can't help it and I know its going to take a very very long time. Things around here though aren't helping much though. Its nice to get away though every now and then. Greg's mom sent me an address for a job that would be good for me to apply for. Only problem that its in Kitchener and that would meen that I would be paying her some money to live with her. It may or may not be too much and she has explained to me that if I do end up applying for the job and do get it and want to move in that we could sit dow and figure something out for pay depending on how many hours I am working and what the hourly pay is like. It would be very nice. Don't get me wrong here but I really don't know if I can afford it. I'm still worried about college and the money issues that come along with that. I'm considering it though. Maybe I could just apply for it and see what happends. Just maybe...

Greg sent me a really great email today that especially made me feel good. I like the little emails like that that help me get through the tough times that I don't want to face. Its great to know that he's there for me. I love him lots. :P

However, I'm going now. I have lots of things to get done and not enough time to accomplish them in. I hope everyone is taking care of themselves and having at least a little bit better of a time then what I am. Take care!

*love always stacy*

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