January 30, 2004 - 2:26 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Go get 'em, STACY. There is a great deal of passion stirring within you, and it would be a shame to let it all go to waste. Bring your attention to your romantic situation and make your intentions known. If you aren't on the same page with someone at this time, you need to find a way to get there. If it is clear that your plan is not going to work, stop beating the dead horse and make another plan of attack.

Where to begin?

Everything in my life right now is such a mess. It seems as if nothing can go right for me lately and its as if the time just keeps ticking away until its a new day. I feel so out of control with my life right now. Greg's been such a help though and its nice to know that I can come to him with my problems to receive some guidance from him. I'm so happy with him...seems as though thats the only thing right now that is perfect and makes sense to me. Nothing else does. Time passes so quickly lately. There times that I like it, yet times I wish time would just stop. The weeks keep passing on by right before me. Three days a week now I'm helping out next door...Ada's in the process of potty training and little Emmitte is just learning how to walk. If I'm not running to the bathroom with Ada or helping to prop Em up for him to hold my hands to walk then its putting him down for nap, preparing snacks and lunches, changing diapers, spending time with Ada doing crafts while the baby sleeps or just cleaning up after everyone. That leaves two days a week to myself; tuesday's and thursdays where on tuesdays I do homework, clean Ellie's cage and clean up around the house and thursday's where I spend the day doing housework. Saturdays and sundays (my favourate day), I escape for the weekend to spend time with Greg. Nothing better then esacping to be with him. I return late sunday evening for the week to begin all over again. Things I know will change soon enough though.

I've been considering getting some counciling again...I want it and know more then anything that I need it but can't bring myself to call and actually go. I'm not sure what the outcome of all of this is but I know that I owe it to myself and others around me to get some help. Just not sure anymore.

Three days now and mom and I still aren't talking to one anotehr. I'm still very upset with her with what she had to say to me...the phrase continues to repeat over and over again in my head, "you fucking ignorant little bitch", "you fucking ignorant little bitch", "you fucking ignorant little bitch."

When will it ever go away?

"Eating issues" are back and strong. I'm scared. I know I need help. I really do. I can't continue facing this all on my own but on the other hand, I also don't want to open up and addmit it all to someone. "its about falling out of control" I keep saying to myself. Control.

Ten months yesterday that Greg and I have been together. Hard to believe that in just another two months it'll be a year. *smiles* I really am happy though. For once in my life, I'm with a wonderful guy who treats me well and with respect that makes me feel good. Past relationships have been hard and I was never hapy...I was there just to please them. Things are different now and I know Greg loves me for me. I don't feel as though I have to really please him. Its so wonderful to finally be able to feel loved and for the right reasons. It all feels so right with him. It all feels so right.

Alicia on the other hand. I'm not sure what to think anymore. As far as I know, she's still not living back at home and that worry's me. She deserves so much better. I wish she would listen to my advice and understand my feelings with whats all been happening to her. I love her so dearly. We need to have a good talk soon. Hopefully she's ok. I worry so much...Shes always in my thoughts.

Time to go and get lunch startes for the kids. Ada's riding around in the living room with her little car and Em is still down for his nap. For now its rather quiet.

*love always stacy*

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