August 12, 2003 - 5:25 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Dear STACY,

If you've been thinking of investing in stocks, bonds, or other such paper, STACY, this is not the day to start the procedure. Not only would there be interminable delays in processing your investment, it probably wouldn't pay off the way you'd hoped. Read about the options open to you, then in a few days consult with someone in the know. Think about it, and then if you're so inclined, go ahead with it. Don't do it now!

My ana instincts are all back at it right now. Dad got bacon out for dinner tonight for mom to cook up and I was actually looking forward to having a few pieces of it but when I went to ask mom what was for dinner tonight she said "bacon rapped pork chops". She said if I wanted to, I could cook up some bacon for myself in a pan but I don't know how and don't feel like it so I said forget it and walked away. She can tell I'm upset. I hate having to get all upset with anyone over food. Its so hard. Anyways, that is what has triggered all my ana instincts to come back to me. I thought that they were gone. I thought that ana had dissapeared. I thought that she was gone for good and I was left on my own through this. Apparently not. I don't think that I will be eating dinner now. I just came to realize a few things as well. That I hate having to ask for food. I hate having to "want" stuff. I hate feeling like I need something. I hate how everyone always has to talk about food. I hate everything about food. I even talked to V today which I havn't done in a long time and of all things to talk about, we talked about purging. Its amazing how people can do it. Asked her how she does it and if it hurts her anymore. And as we were talking, she excused herself so she could go and throw up her dinner. Makes me wonder.

Its been another lousy day around here. Dad had to go into work for 11:00 today so he left the house at 10:30 to go and pick up another guy that he works with. The same thing will happen again on thursday of this week. Apparently they are really busy at work and need people (as many as possible) to work overtime. I wonder what next week will bring. Dad thinks that he will be working until 3:00am in the morning instead of 11:00pm at night. Ouch, thats really got to suck. My stomach was acting up on and off again today as well like yesterday but it seems to be better now. We'll see how it is later on I guess.

I had another wonderful weekend spent with Greg. We got to see one another twice this week which was nice. I always miss him throughout the week and wish the weeks would go by faster just so I can be with him. You know, most of the time he is the only one that I really enjoy talking to anymore, other then Alicia that is but I meen, around here. Its so hard to talk to Alicia on a regular basis due to phone cards and time changes and such. But for around here, I always look forward to talking and being with Greg. If someone were to ask me who I would rather talk to around here, meaning between Greg, Tarry, or Shauna, I would definately pick Greg. Things always seem to be so "distant" between Tarry and Shauna. I really miss Greg today. Not that I don't every day but I just feel like being held today and having his warmth around me. Someone to protect me and care for me and love me. And right now...I don't want to be here. At home that is. I just don't want to see or talk to my mom. Nothing unusual I guess but its a strong feeling now. More so lately. This week had better go by fast...I NEED it to!! *love always stacy*

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